What Really Matters When Picking a Super Bowl Champ

Just like last week, I have no idea who to root for in the upcoming NFL conference championship games. All the teams remaining have won a Super Bowl before. Therefore, I must find some more categories to choose from in order to pick two teams to root for this weekend.

· The Jets still have the longest Super Bowl victory drought, appearance drought, and only one title, like the Bears, so they get all the points here. Meanwhile the Steelers have the most rings and won the most recently.

· Since they made money for me during the FFL season, I’ll cheer for the Packers’ Jennings, Jones, and Starks over Holmes and the Jets. (Actually, I cannot remember ever having a Steeler, Raven or Patriot on my team.)

· I like my teams to obey the law, so the Jets win this category since they have only had 8 arrests in the past 10 years, compared to the Bears’ 18 (blame Tank Johnson). (There is actually a website that tracks this.)

· Each victory over the Browns is a dagger to my heart, therefore I do not mind the four losses to the Bears compared to 62 to the Steelers.

· I would like a high scoring, close Super Bowl, so I would choose the Packers (388 points scored in the regular season) over the Bears (only 334) and the Jets (10.6 average game point difference) over the Steelers (12.4).

· Since all the attention will be on the quarterbacks, I should probably choose a favorite to help my decision. Even though Jay Cutler gets a tough rap while battling with diabetes, Rodgers dealt with Favre and throws TD’s to Jennings on my FFL team. While Mark Sanchez is a pretty boy who beat UVa on my birthday, no one outside of Pittsburgh will be pulling for Big Ben with his list of transgressions.

· None of these teams are “home” teams to DC, but Pittsburgh is barely closer than NYC, while Green Bay is 900 miles away.

· Being from the two most cursed cities for pro teams, I need to take the cities’ other teams into account. NY has the Yankees, while Pittsburgh has the Penguins, so they’re out, while Green Bay only has the Packers.

· New York has 8.3 million people as compared to Green Bay’s 101,000, so I’m rooting for the small town team.

· These two cheesy mascots won’t get my fanhood.

· I have to give the edge to Pittsburgh when it comes to fans though for the terrible towels, which look better than a bunch of cheeseheads. Fireman Ed and the J-E-T-S cheer is a little simple for my taste, but not as bad as the Bear’s Fight Song.

· All this writing is making me hungry, so which famous food from these cities would I take? While a NY bagel, Pittsburgh Primanti Brothers Sandwich, and Chicago deep dish pizza sound good, I’d take a bratwurst stuffed with Wisconsin cheddar anyday.

· Speaking of cheese, you have to like a team named after a cheese packing company that owned the team 90 years ago, but naming a team after the city’s main industry that embodies the character of both the team and its people is really cool. Especially since the Jets were named to be “modern”, and the Bears because football players are big. Lame.

· Lastly, while everyone is on the betting bandwagon for the Packers to win the Super Bowl (5 to 7), the Bears are the most popular team (11.5 Google results) and are the underdog to win it all (5 to 1).

After ranking all 20 categories, the Packers come out on top, followed by the Jets. Go Pack!

Lebron James: Public Enemy #1?

Ever since “The Decision,” Clevelanders have been waiting for the day the “Chosen One” makes his return to Quicken Loans Arena. Well tonight, the only 11-8 Miami Heat face off against the Cavaliers on TNT. In his Nike commercial, Lebron asks what he would do, but now it is time to ask what will the fans he stabbed in the back do? Will they boo the entire game or just when he is introduced? Will they cheer when he is introduced, but boo during the game, like when McNabb returned to Phily? Will they throw stuff, like at the Browns game? Will Lebron do his chalk warm-up routine he stole form Garnett? Will James cry when 20,000 people who used to cheer his every move now despise his every step? What about Big Z? Will he be cheered even though he left as well? We will see tonight.

Is Lebron even the most hated sports figure in Cleveland though? Tonight he will be, but once the dust settles, where will he rank in the hall of Cleveland villains? Art Modell moved the most beloved team and left the town without football for three seasons. Bill Belichick cut one of the most beloved football players and somehow saved his best coaching for the Pats. Those two actively ripped Cleveland’s hearts out. Meanwhile Tim Couch, Braylon Edwards, and Courtney Brown are hated for being busts for the Browns, not necessarily deliberate actions. Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, CC Sabathia, and Cliff Lee were loved in Cleveland, but left to chase championships, but are not hated like Lebron. Meanwhile players who choked under pressure like Ernest “The Fumble” Byner and Jose “Blown Save” Mesa were reviled, but how much can you fault a guy for one bad play or a couple bad pitches? Cleveland has it's fair share of enemies outside of the city too, like John Elway and Michael Jordan, but is the hatred deeper from your own team or their opponents? Will be fans’ hatred of Lebron last for the failed expectations, the betrayal of leaving your home team, or the ill advised ESPN show? Only time will tell.

All this for the 20th game of an 82 game regular season between two third place teams.

100% Fanhood Theory

Due to many allegations from people about my allegiances and my accusations of other people’s allegiances, I have come up with a plan/theory which will hopefully solve all fan base questions.

Due to the fact that we live in a country which embraces several sports (not just one, cough, soccer, cough) there comes a time in which some sports are favored than others. The NFL is regarded as the top sport in the country, with the Super Bowl being the biggest primetime event each year, etc. But talk to someone from Red Sox country, LA, or the South (where the Falcons, Panthers, Titans, and Saints don’t count) and we’ll differ. Obviously there are differences and some cities have stronger ties to other sports. Hence, allegiances waiver for each person and each city. That is where my hypothesis comes in. Not every fan is going to be dedicated to just one team or one college. Come Sunday the die hard college football team fan is bound to root for a pro team and visa-versa. The tailgating chest-painted “reliving his glory days” college football attendee is going to find his void the next day watching a NFL team, maybe starting an alum from his beloved college. Therefore there are two teams this now stereotyped fan roots for. How about when winter thaws out and the now stereotyped fan is in football withdrawal and must fill his weekends with sports to avoid going to home depot and olive garden with the wife? This is when college and pro basketball come into his life. At the same time the NHL and college basketball are kicking up. Eventually when the leaves start turning green, brackets are being filled out across the country and Mr. fan is checking his MLB depth chart. Then the NBA, MLB, NHL, PGA, Tennis and every other sport I failed to mention are in full swing until Labor Day, when Mr. fan places the order for his bbq tailgate the days before his favorite football team’s opening game.

The point is that after all of this, is that Mr. fan has many teams to choose from, and many allegiances. Which is his favorite? The NFL team he grew up with? The college he went to? The golfer who used to play at his course? The soccer team him and his coworker enjoy watching? That is where the 100% theory comes into play. The Theory is that your fanhood is divided up among your favorite teams (every sport, college, pro, etc) to 100%. For example, a stereotypical fan from Dallas might have his fanhood split 40% Cowboys, 30% UT football (went there), 10% Mavs, 10% UT bball, 5% Stars, 5% Rangers. This can obviously waver due to the season, but when it comes down to it, would Mr. fan be crying over a Stars loss more than a Cowboys one? Is Mr. fan more crushed over the Mavericks loss in the first rd vs the Warriors or the Cowboys loss to the Eagles last year? If you don’t believe in the percentages, just think about which Mr. fan would be more upset about. There is an inherent ranking system in your head. Where would you rank your teams? I know it seems cold and calculated, but think about it, you would give up whatever to see [blank] win the title this year. Which team is filling in that blank? It’s not just seasonal, there’s the draft, free agency, spring training, preseason, and recruiting to think about as well.

I’ll admit, after doing this, there are teams I watch all the time and root for that are only 5-10%. So should I be crushed when that team doesn’t make the playoffs, has the worst record, as compared to teams that are my 30%? That’s the point. You bite it and take the higher percentage. So next time you are whining about a team that is only your 5% against my 30%, don’t come crying.

In case you are wondering:
Browns 30%
UVA Football 20%
Lebron and his band of Fighting Cavaliers 20%
Caps 10%
Nationals 5%
UVA BBall 5%
Skins 5%
Tribe 1%
Colts (Pretty much just Peyton) 1%
Wizards 1%
UVA Lacrosse 1%
UVA Baseball 1%

(Fantasy teams do not count, since they traverse cities/teams and involve money. For example an Eagles pick 6 against the Browns ended that game but won me at least $50 at the time. Also national teams, like the US World Cup team, Olympic teams, etc don’t count because if you root against them you are a communist and should be arrested)